Thoughts for Trey (and every college senior right now)

It’s Monday, March 16, 2020. To be honest, writing this feels a little weird, and a little out of place. I haven’t written anything more meaningful than a cover letter in several months, and before that probably not since my seminars in college. That feels a little weird to reread as an English Writing major. To be blunt, I’ve lacked the inspiration to write. Until now. 

Yesterday I was back on campus at DePauw University. My alma mater as of May 2019. A place that holds a very special spot in my head and heart. Yesterday was a tough day. Due to COVID-19 precautions, the campus shut down 64 days prematurely. More importantly, countless experiences and memories prematurely. 

Although a recent graduate, my ties to DePauw still run deeper than most might realize. As a four-year men’s soccer player, member of a fraternity, and one-time first year resident assistant there are still several students at DePauw I consider brothers, friends, or at the very least keep up with. The same goes for coaches and faculty. My girlfriend is in the midst of her junior year as a tiger. Yesterday I watched as many of these students departed campus; seniors for the last time. Kids I helped usher in as first year students. Teammates. Roommates. People I’ve heard laugh and seen cry. Kids, who grew into young adults, leaders, and scholars. Some who will change the world, all who will change people’s lives.

As I watched them pack up, say goodbye, hold back tears or fail trying, I couldn’t help but feel for them. And then I couldn’t help but reflect. It was all too reminiscent of May 19, 2019. The hardest goodbyes of my life. The combination of love, pride, joy, sadness, nostalgia, and emotions outside of my vocabulary. It still feels bittersweet. Often, a little more bitter. I won’t claim to know what the students are feeling or going through right now. I can’t. And I can’t pretend to have some profound insight on life or the world. That would be equally futile. 

But what I can do is write the story that follows. My story, or at least parts of it. As someone who went through, and in many ways is still going through what is happening to you all. Just with some different specifics. The story of what has happened to me since May 20, 2019. I share this in the hopes that maybe you find something useful in it. Maybe it’s simply a way to pass 30 minutes in quarantine, or maybe something a little deeper. Honestly, to anyone going through change, whatever it is right now, I hope I do my job well enough that you can take something from this piece. These are unprecedented times. Mine is in an unconventional story. 

Since graduating from college, I’ve traveled a rather uncommon path. For those who don’t know, I’ve been pursuing professional soccer. This endeavor began in November of 2018, but truly gained traction during the whole of 2019. What began as a conversation with my coach as a senior led to over 15 tryouts and combines, contact with several coaches, and thousands of miles traveled. For the most part the climb had been steady. Each experience came with increasingly better play, encouraging feedback, and improved opportunity. I went from being told to work on x, y, and z in January to “hey we like you a lot, you will play professional soccer, just not this year and not with us,” in June, and preseason invitations in November and January. 

This level of professional soccer is roughly commensurate with AA or AAA baseball in terms of skill. The compensation less so, with salaries ranging from hundreds to a couple thousand per month, inflated by free housing and meal stipends.

While these soccer experiences may seem like the highlights of my post-collegiate life so far, they are few and far between. Each one leaves me with a large gap of time, sometimes multiple months, of uncertainty on the back of rejection. That’s not a complaint. It’s merely a hazard of chasing down the dream, and a reality that, in an odd way, reminds of just how lucky I am to even be trying out at all. But this post would be too specific and boring if I was just talking about my soccer experience. My hope is that this piece is relatable. What I want to tell you about is the uncertainty instead. 

Leaving college is a big change. And some people think you know that, or are prepared for it, and they might be right. I was one of those. I wasn’t right. But some of us haven’t really considered what all might be different. Again, as someone who recently experienced this and is still navigating the change, I want to help explain some of the differences. On campus, I was surrounded by peers. Like many of you this included Greek affiliations, sports teams, clubs, study buddies, roommates, etc. I had a schedule and a structure. Classes, gym, performances, studying, meals, religious services, speakers all fall into this category. Additionally, while I was on campus I had at least one purpose, if not more, to graduate. There was plenty of opportunity to do fulfilling work, both in class and outside of it. 

Science tells us some of the most important predictors of happiness, emotional well-being, and even health and longevity are meaningful relationships, a sense of purpose and direction, a sense of belonging, and doing things that actually interest you and create an intrinsic sense of pleasure, or “flow.” In many regards, whether I realized it or not, being on a residential campus afforded me a surplus of these predictors. 

Since graduating, some of these have been harder to replace than others. Part of the uncertainty for me is accompanied by the need for flexibility. If a team says they want me I have to be ready to go. However, this means that I can’t commit to long-term living arrangements. Typically, this means living at home, or on the off occasion crashing at friends and family for a few days. Generally speaking, no best friend for a roommate or even that many peers around to hang out with. This has been very difficult for me, but it also motivates me to reach out to the people I miss, and plan times to see each other. Sometimes it’s every other weekend, sometimes it’s months apart. But what I can tell you is that although we don’t see each other for every meal anymore, our relationships haven’t grown weaker. If anything, they are strengthened by yet another shared experience, missing each other. 

Moving on to that purpose and sense of direction. How do you even begin to tackle this one? Some of us think we know what we want to do. Some of us have a relative “plan”. Maybe it’s a job, or grad school. For me it was training and playing. For a lot of us though, it’s a best-guess-for-the-time-being, kind of thing. Even at the peak of my feel-good moments with soccer, there were still shreds of doubt in my head. “Should I have just applied to grad school? Is this really what I want to do? Maybe I should just get a job in Indy or Chicago so I can be closer to my people.” Sometimes they are just passing thoughts and sometimes they stick around for a few days. When these thoughts do creep in, it’s important for me to remind myself there is no point in looking back. There is no making different decisions then, or different choices there. Every decision leading up to now was made with the knowledge I had at the time and the tools that were in my toolbox. So while it may feel like sometimes I’m not at the right destination for the time being, it still feels like I traveled the “right” way. 

But there are other ways to find purpose and not all of them are permanent or incredibly moving, but they help. For me, it was coaching soccer on the side and finding part time jobs and projects. I helped in the HR department at a large local company, I registered as a substitute teacher, and I helped where I could with my dad’s business. I also found purpose in my relationships. I tried being my best self as a son, brother, boyfriend, friend, employee, etc. Whether it was staying positive, or working to mend relations, or helping out, or visiting, I tried (and still do) to create value in my relationships. On the whole, the search for purpose and sense of direction in the short term hasn’t generated tons of “flow,” but it’s at least provided some structure and fulfilment. And the bouts of looking for a job, or searching for something to do still happen. In fact, I’m in the midst of one right now. It’s not looking so great for the next couple of months either. And yet, some days are better than others of course, but it is all done with a bigger picture in mind. Or at least a sense of a bigger picture. 

As far as a sense of belonging goes, I guess that’s in part why I feel moved to share my story. To inform readers who might be going through these changes, having these thoughts, sharing these experiences, that they are not alone. In fact, they're a part of a much bigger community than they might realize. And maybe that’s something that you can take away from this piece, in a time that feels so far from normal, what you’re experiencing is completely normal. 

As I go through my own journey, there’s always people, myself included, that say things like “Don’t worry you’re young,” or “It will work itself out,” or “give it time.” I agree with those statements. And I truly do think it will be okay. And we are young. And there is no reason we need to know what to do right now. I also know those messages don’t always strike a chord when they come from a parent or professor, or person who is past this awkward immediate post-grad transition period of life. Of course they think that. They have been here and now, they’re there. They’ve gone from point A to point Z and all the stops along the way. But sometimes I wish they would say, “But, when I was your age, I was freaking out a little, and mostly on the inside. My life had completely changed. My identity had been overhauled, and I just felt this pressure.” Those are some of the things I still feel now. And I’m guessing some of you are feeling them too. But along with these negative thoughts, the uncertainty also holds the most positive thoughts of all. Promise. Potential. Hope. 

I tell my girlfriend all the time, I’m not worried about the longer term, 10, 20, 30 years down the road. What I am more worried about is the now and the next few years. But I’m not worried because I think they might suck. I’m worried because they threaten to be so great and incredible in different ways that I might pick one positive experience at the risk of forgoing other ones. All of the things that go on in my mind about the next several years include: 

• pursuing soccer (Positive, chasing a dream, special experience) 
• equity in my relationship with my girlfriend and not asking her to make sacrifices on my behalf while also making sure to prioritize us (Positive, healthy relationship, spending time with the single person who brings me the most joy on this earth and understands me in many ways better than I understand myself,)  
• Completing graduate school in the field of sports psychology (positive, area of interest for me, long term career goal)
• Getting a job in the interim (Positive, work experience, money)
• Being around all of the friends I miss from college (Positive, sense of belonging, meaningful relationships, social well-being)

Each of these experiences come with certain opportunity costs, and part of this process for me continues to be assigning value to which things are more important and why. 

To bring this story a little more up to speed, the day after I got two preseason invitations for soccer, I tore my ACL and meniscus. A month later I had surgery. The recovery time is generally around 8 months, or the length of the professional season. When I mix that in with the preexisting uncertainty and irregularity, this period of life becomes a little murkier. I’ve been given more time to think about what I should do, what I could do, and what I might do. To be honest, too much time can lead to too much thinking. One thought that keeps me sane though is imagining where I was a year ago today, and then a year before that, and how much has changed since both. Although now it seems that uncertainty cloaks reality as we hear more and more each day about outbreaks and shortages and closings, think about the wonderful things we’ll be hearing about a year from now, or maybe two. I often remind myself, you had to go there, to get here.

Bringing it full circle, I guess I would just say that this next phase of your life will be uncertain. And you will be sad at times. And you will miss people. And some days you will wish you could go back to the way it was. But there will also be days where you find yourself celebrating victories, big and small. That first sale, that first paycheck, your first weekend together since college, making your first adult purchase, that first class of grad school. You will feel yourself starting to grow. And out of the uncertainty will grow a sense of resiliency. And from that resiliency will grow adaptability, and ultimately normalcy. It won’t all happen at once. Tomorrow you will still wake up and feel that hollowness. But give it a couple weeks and it will start to heal. Give it a few more, and a few more. You’ll notice something else take its place. And as for your friends, you’ll still talk, and you’ll get together. And you’ll make some new ones too. And the memories. I can promise you those last. Just ask my girlfriend. She hears the same stories every week. 

As for what you can do about it right now, I’m reminded of a quote I read in the New York Times today, “Contagion is real, but it doesn’t just work for viruses. It works for kind words and generous thoughts, and acts of selflessness and honesty.” These are my thoughts. My honesty. We all have our pains. You can’t compare one to the other. Some days it will be important that you feel your pain. Other days, it will be important you feel someone else’s. If you or your peers are struggling, work through it together. If you or your peers are thriving, share it together. In an era of uncertainty, one thing remains constant: positivity is contagious. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. Try and find the joy in the little things. Share a smile and maybe a donut too. Be bold, be brave. Cry. Take risks. Whatever you do, do not feel stuck. You have agency over your life. Use it! However you need to. 

If you have made it this far thank you for taking the time to read. It was nice to work some of the rust out of these fingers and cobwebs out of this head. I hope you feel it was worth your time and attention.